One week,
one month, and now one year has passed since my world was turned
up-side-down. At first time felt like an
eternity, each day the reality that my beloved husband was no longer with me
here on earth drug on and felt like it would never resolve. Now that a significant amount of time has
passed, it doesn’t seem possible that we have lived through one whole year
without him. How did we get here? Where have we been? How did the earth revolve completely around
the sun?
We are surviving. We are grateful. We have had a lot of help from heaven and
from earth.
I have
discovered more intimately how death is a major spiritual formation in our lives. Whether we are deeply spiritual or not,
facing death forces us to consider spiritual realities. Our souIs are opened to a deeper
understanding of our place in this world and how we view our own lives. I found a lot of commonality with country
artist, Blake Shelton, when he wrote these words about death : Cause
you went away, How dare you? I miss you. They say I’ll be okay, But I’m not
going to ever get over you.
I find
myself relating to CS Lewis when he wrote:
If God’s goodness is inconsistent
with hurting us, then either God is not good or there is no God: for in the only life we know He hurts us
beyond our worst fears and beyond all we can imagine[i]. There is no question that I am hurt and that
God has the power to take that hurt away by not asking me to face this
loss. My children are hurt and many
others, also. It is a deep pain. It has lessened in intensity somewhat through
the year that has passed, but the hurt will remain for our lifetimes, churning
up when we least expect. It will hurt in
different ways in the coming year than it has in the one that has passed. It definitely hurts when the love of your
life has been taken away. It does not
mean that God is not good. God in His
goodness has a future for me that has no pain.
There will not be tears in heaven.
Because God is so good, He gives me tears to carry me though the year
that has passed and the ones ahead. The
gift of tears is mandatory for earth.
When I cry out to God in my tears, I discover His goodness extends
beyond my hurt.
Above all,
I have found St. Bernard of Clairvaux’s words to be true when he said: I can never lose one whom I have loved
unto the end; one to whom my soul cleaves so firmly that it can never be
separated does not go away but only goes before…Though I continue to hurt,
I know that I have not lost. Perhaps I
have gained in some ways. I have gained
a better perspective of my marriage. I
have gained a confidence in God that I never had to extend. (??? experience?
explore?) I have gained new respect for the people God has sent to help me
struggle along to live the life He asks me to live.
One year
later and I can attest that God has been amazingly faithful to carry me through
every tear that I have shed. I know
there will be more to cry, but I will not doubt God’s mysterious goodness. He has asked a lot of me, but He has given me
much more than I deserve. I was
extremely blessed to have a wonderful husband who loved me and our children so
well, and I will forever be grateful.
[i]
CS Lewis, A Grief Observed, (HarperSanFrancisco: New York, 2001), p. 27-28.
Love you, Debbie, and amazed it has been one year already since Brian met his Savior. You have been an example to all of us of Christ's love in your life. Thank-you. Lord bless you and your children as you enter year #2. Praying for great things ahead for you. sharon and PJ
ReplyDelete